Dear reader, so happy that the dull, reactionary, ossified, atrophied Abbott government mindset has been swept away from the corridors of power in Canberra. At last some real progress on innovation. We have a leaked memo from the Minister for Innovation himself detailing the process of developing a truly integrative, innovative and successful advertising campaign to promote INNOVATION!

Evidence of true creativity from Canberra. We acquired a recorded tape, found in a rubbish bin. In Palestine of all places. And as our Palestine correspondent suggested the tape was left by the Minister in a hotel room in Ramallah as the Minister and his entourage, (Bronwyn Bishop and Tim Wilson) were allegedly in a hurry to leave. We have this fragment released to us, and it indicates the high level of improvisation and intelligence on offer to craft this new policy direction. We have also checked the legal status of this recording and can confirm that under Palestinian law there is no obstacle to printing the transcript in full. The original tape is still being deciphered by the Palestinian Authority as they determine whether there is a secret code which may make sense of the high level mission.

Background noises have been deleted.

Minister for innovation; the Hon. Christopher Pyne M.P.; ‘Allright then, the Prime Minister says we need new talent on the front bench and this innovation strategy must proceed with the advertising campaign as you’ve been instructed. This initiative has to be winner with the election looming, and the future of innovation in this country, (with emphasis) is at stake!! I have summoned you all, heads of each department and Ministers to this incredibly important meeting. I think for the purposes of secrecy it was important you all wore your Border Force Special Op’s Uniforms, with the rubberised gas masks and integrated speaking tubes. One can’t be too careful of leaks. Can you all hear me’?

(Muffled acknowledgement)

Mr Joyce; Taking his mask off, “Mine is a bit tight around the midriff’.

Mr Pyne: ‘Try loosening these, (indicates his own apparatus) leather straps’

Mr Briggs, ‘And mine is a bit tight around the groin’,

Mr Pyne, “You’ll have to release these clips from around the flies’

Mr Briggs; What are they for’?

Mr Pyne; “ Oh they’re restraints, but in your case not much use now’,

Muffled complaint from the assembled

Mr Pyne; ‘The apparatus is a minor inconvenience, but it enhances the collective mind- think. It has been tested by the Minster for Immigration himself, Mr. Dutton’.

(brief muffled acknowledgement, and sound of mobile phones being switched off)

Mr Pyne: ‘Now where were we’?

Mrs Bishop; ‘You were talking about innovation’?

Mr Pyne, ‘Yes that’s it I want someone to think of a truly innovative ‘out there‘ entrepreneur we could use to head up this important advertising project’?

Mr Truss; ‘The advert alone, by my estimate comes in at 28 million’.

Mr Pyne; ‘Double it. You know how the consultants are once they get the their teeth onto the bit….Now, what did you come up with’?

Mr Joyce; ‘I thought we could use Dick Smith, he’s terribly innovative, he could fly round in a helicopter and show us just what get up and go could do’?

Mrs Bishop; ‘That wont do, his brand has taken a beating’

Mr Pyne: ‘What about a Telstra business person of the year’?

Mr Joyce; ‘Oh can’t do that it went to someone from my own department’.

Mr Pyne; ‘What for’? Mr Joyce; ‘For coming up with a new app’

Mr Pyne; ‘Isn’t that Innovative? What new app’?

Mr Joyce: ‘An app that tells you when a government announcement is being made’.

Mr Pyne: ‘So what’s so innovative about that’?

Mr Joyce; ‘She was in charge of government announcements’!!

Mr Pyne: ‘This wont do, we need something really innovative? What about a medical breakthrough”?

Mrs Ley: That wont work, we’ve cut the funding’!

Mr Truss, ‘I know, there’s a farmer out west who sells live sheep’!

Mr Pyne: ‘That wont do, we want to appeal to a broader cross section’

Mr Truss; ‘But 95% of my electorate is four legged’

Mr Joyce: ‘I know, there’s an engineer, who’s working on a battery car’?

Mr Pyne: ‘That wont do we‘ve closed down the car industry’!

Mrs Bishop; ‘I know of a very good helicopter outfitter’.

Mr Pyne: ‘No that wont do, draws attention to the wealthy and inequity of our tax reform’!

Mr Joyce: ‘And we don’t want to upset our party donors’.

Mr Pyne: (sounding impatient), ‘Doesn’t anyone know of any innovation, cutting edge, stuff?? You’ve had the entire summer break to think of someone’.

Mrs Bishop; ‘Andrew Bolt’?

Mr Pyne: ‘I said innovative’!!

Mr Truss; ‘Howsabout the uniform supplier who made the Border Force logo,that was innovative and had a very short turnaround’?

Mr Pyne; ‘That wont do they’re made in China’!

Mr Truss; ‘And the design was outsourced’.

Mr Joyce; ‘What about the miners’?

Mr Pyne, That wont do, there’s still a stink about Catholic Priests’.

Mr Joyce “No the MINERS’!

Mr Pyne; (responding angrily) ‘I said INNOVATORS’!

Mr Joyce: ‘Well they’re innovative’.

Mr Pyne, (exasperated) ‘Only in tax avoidance, C’mon someone, there’s gotta be one idea worth going for’…. (Sound of papers being shuffled and background noise).

Mr Pyne; ‘Well then, does anyone know anyone’?

Silence

Mr Pyne; ‘Allright then. Bring in the consultant’.

Consultant walks in.

Mr Pyne; ‘Welcome back Tony’!

Mr Abbott; ‘I knew you couldn’t survive without me’!!’.