Dear reader. Occasionally we appeal to our readership for help. And in this respect we’re not far off the mark. Because we know that our readership comprise those devoted few who are up to the mark on technology, society and what’s happening in the socio political firmament.

“Shenzhen People’s Development Corporation”. Attractive Logo and other exciting images in the prospectus.

The other day, I completed my census form. Because I live in provincial Victoria there was no problem. It was reassuring to know that just as I had found it, my completed census forms would be duly picked up by an operative, and whisked away to be processed. It’s these little instances of departmental efficiency that give you confidence in the system. A reassurance, that all of us, in our own little way, are “ doing our bit”.

‘I admired the consummate skill of the artwork, and reflected upon the skill of Chinese penmanship’.

Well it came as some surprise that some short time later, I was contacted by email. It looked very official looking, and on the letterhead, a stamp, “Shenzhen People’s Development Corporation”. It was printed in red ink, and the logo, had a lovely depiction of traditional Chinese watercraft afloat on the Pearl River, with impressive looking buildings in the background, and lots of rejoicing people. I admired the consummate skill of the artwork, and reflected upon the skill of Chinese penmanship. Appended to the letter was a paragraph. I think a pro forma paragraph, entitled, “Dear party member”. Below this was a series of boxes in which ticks had already been applied. It had my name, address, and a photographic reproduction of my house. Underneath this thorough descriptor, the words, ‘Current five year plan transitional living arrangement’. I was intrigued, it read, “ dear comrade, your chosen allocation will be assessed shortly, and we guarantee you safe passage to Australia, and internship courtesy of Property Council and Australian chamber of Commerce and Industry’. Below it the party number, 2446754/384754 for reference, and a copy of the mortgage and titles of my very own house.

Australia into the Twentieth Century. I’m  adjusting to my new post Census Lifestyle. Lots of fresh air, and improved access to transport.

I was perplexed, and thinking an error in the breadth and diligence of the Australian Census, for how else could they have acquired this information? I determined to contact my bank and ask the manager if anything funny had occurred with my personal details. To my surprise when I contacted the bank, I was asked to hold. Normally I’d not mind this, but in this occassion, I was assailed by this screeching musical dissonance, a sort of “ two cats screwing” moment. I was modestly disturbed, and my suspicions were confirmed when the person answering my enquiry replied in fluent Mandarin. Thinking I’d got a crossed line, I then thought, “ just check my banking details” and to my horror, my accounts, of which there are several, (as I’m no slouch in the realm of high finance), had been converted to Yuan. Just like that!!! I could tell this much, and that’s about the strength of it, because all the information on payments and transactions were in Chinese characters. With my anxiety growing I minced down to the local bank, only to find it closed, with the hoarding, ‘Sino Australian Co-operative Golden Moon Property Investment Council’. My concerns were justified. Justification enough that the ABS man was right.

“We’ve been hacked, And i’m afraid to say, had a ‘Number 14’ done to us. I was done like a dinner.

And in case you don’t know, that’s Mandarin for ‘Rice Balls’.